Customer Service Policy

Awe boo hoo… why are you even on this page? If you want to whine, then perhaps ask for 20p in your change and go phone someone who gives a fuck (like this bunch of assholes). Those who consider themselves on par with royalty, please be redirected here, because even if you were it wouldn’t make the slightest difference to us, so let’s just burst that bubble from the get-go.

1. Krakatoa is a dive bar and as such is a resolutely egalitarian institution, which while utterly intolerant of bigotry, steadfastly refuses to pay lip service to self righteous concepts of political correctness. Ditto this quaint 21st century notion that “the customer is always right”, because we can assure you, they damn well aren’t.

As clearly stated in the notice above our entrance:

“Everyone receives equal treatment, regardless of who they (think they) are.”

This isn’t a joke sign – but rather something we pride ourselves on, and for absolute avoidance of doubt, it even applies to you.

2. How we choose to interact with (or address) one another, is absolutely none of anyone’s Goddamn business but our own. Neither are we tolerant of outdated patriarchal perceptions of the gender dynamic, so kindly keep any “white knight” delusions to oneself.

3. And sorry to break this to you, but each and every one of us frequently engages in profanity. The more imaginative it is, the better we like it. If you wilt on exposure to colourful language, then really, this not a suitable establishment for your patronage. Start walking West and keep going for a mile or so. Better yet take a cab, just in case you inadvertently tread on any unbagged dog shit or a used up wad of gum.

4. As weird as this may seem, we are in fact human beings. This false narrative that anyone working in the service industry is somehow exempt from emotion is clearly disengaged from the reality of human endeavour. Furthermore we take issue with the very notion of a service industry, because contrary to misconception, we’re not your fucking slaves… so let’s just be clear about that from the get go.

Occasionally (like you) we have bad days. In fact some of us experience more bad days than good days. In an ideal world we’d manage to keep that all bottled up inside, but get real… which is why we choose to work here and not friggin’ Mothercare.

5. There will occasionally be times when the bar is under crewed. We aren’t clairvoyant and it’s not always possible to envisage when we’ll be busier than usual. Sometimes people fall sick, and there’s no one available to cover their shifts. Shit happens. Broadcasting any such failing all over social media only makes you come across as a self entitled dickhead. Just sayin’.

Please also be cognisant that there is no queuing system in place. It’s not like you just rocked up to the deli counter in Waitrose and plucked a ticket with a freakin number on it. Tough titties that it took us 7 minutes to serve you. Deal with it.

6. By leaving a shitty review you are directly threatening our livelihood. Now this may come as a shock, but your annual spend will not furnish us with a Learjet or a holiday villa in Monaco. While you might get a cheap thrill from sticking it too us on Facebook or Trip Advisor, your efforts would undoubtedly be better spent protesting against the real problems impacting this planet than some people just trying to earn an honest living (albeit with a few tolerance issues). “Honest” being the key operator here: we aren’t going to kiss ass to some three “R” prick, just to avoid the spectre of them venting their spleen online. If it’s that or going home to kick the dog, then feel free to give us both barrels, since we most certainly appreciate that you too are only human. Do us all a favour though and delete that histrionic guff when your drunk ass sobers up next morning.

It’s a sad indictment of the new millennium that an establishment like this one need effect, let alone police, a social media presence in order just to survive. You feelin’ it?

7. The correct channel of communication for anyone who believes that they have a genuine grievance, is to email us on:

Yes, that is indeed a working email account. By all means, get it off your chest. We’ll likely be drunk by the time we read it anyway, so expect us to give as good back.

8. If you are offended by any of this, then may we respectfully point out that nobody is forcing you to come here. Steer clear of us, and please for the love of Jesus ‘unlike’ us, then you’ll never be exposed to one of our unapologetic diatribes ever again. The world is already configured for the auto-woke, so dry your eyes and kindly leave us to cater for the fair minded but disenfranchised. It’s what we do.